Knit Wit Living

Reflections, Beading, Knitting, Life

Archive for the category “Loss and Life”

The (Online) Dating Game

online dating

Really? Is this supposed to make me want to use this site?

The Online Dating Site business is a tricky one. The companies really do not want their users to be successful because then they won’t need the online dating services anymore, but the businesses still need some success stories to gain new members.  They need to make each site user think that his or her match is out there AND using this particular site, but at the same time keep you looking for more so that you won’t leave.

There are all sorts of ways to encourage users to become paying members – no ads, more privileges, the ability to browse invisibly, the ability to send messages, chat, etc.

Each site has its own set of rules – what you are or are not allowed to say. Some don’t want you to mention anything that has to do with sex (we’re all chaste and looking for the same) while others encourage you to admit your fantasies and what you want to do to your partner or be done to you.

The most head-scratching experience is trying to determine if the other users are actual people, scammers, married, immature, uneducated, educated, etc.

What is most amazing to me is that I met DDSO on Yahoo Personals almost a decade ago.  I don’t really expect lightening to strike twice, but in the words of the NY Lottery, “you have to be in it to win it.”  I feel there is some power in at least putting my intentions out in the universe.

Not Just Nostalgia

I tore a ligament in my wrist a week ago. I first went to an Urgent Care center where they x-rayed my wrist and didn’t see anything.  Instead they gave me an Ace bandage and told me to see a specialist if it continued to hurt.  I looked at the bandage, and do you know it doesn’t even come with the little metal clasp anymore? It comes with a flimsy velcro-like end that loosely grips the bandage.

It got me thinking that my children and younger people don’t have much experience with real materials. Almost everything they use is plastic.  Simple household objects are now made of plastic instead of glass, metal, or even wood.

  • Ice cube trays
  • Mixing Bowls
  • Many drinking glasses
  • Some eating and serving utensils
  • Earphones
  • Mechanical Pencils
  • Key chains
  • Or are almost extinct: Typewriters, Payphones

Okay, maybe not everything (keys, pots and pans, china, etc.) but much of their daily lives is plastic.  I saw this article, A Threat to Male Fertility, in the NY Times while this was on my mind. Plastic is in more than we are aware:

The gender gap was particularly wide when it came to phthalates, those ubiquitous compounds used to make plastics more flexible and cosmetic lotions slide on more smoothly. Women who wore cosmetics often had higher levels of phthalates in their bodies, as measured by urinalysis. But only in their male partners were phthalate levels correlated with infertility.

I know that sometimes my friends and family think I’m over the top with my desire to eat traditional foods, pastured raised meats, organically grown, non-GMO, non-processed food products.  I also do not use commercial moisturizers or lotions.  But reading this kind of information makes me think I’m not doing enough!

Phthalates belong to a group of industrial compounds known as endocrine disruptors because they interfere with the endocrine system, which governs the production and distribution of hormones in the body. The chemicals have been implicated in a range of health problems, including birth defects, cancers and diabetes.

I do use plastic containers to store food, and at work, I will put them in the microwave.  Time to rethink that practice?

Phthalates…include not only cosmetics and plastics, but also packaging, textiles, detergents and other household products. Phthalates are found in the tubing used in hospitals to deliver medications; in water flowing through PVC pipes; enteric coatings on pills, including some aspirin; materials used to create time-release capsules; and countless other products. In 2008, the government banned them in children’s toys, and the European Union is also moving forward on restrictions.

This is why I get so annoyed at people who are seeking cures for diseases. We should be looking to prevent disease rather than cure it.  That’s my goal anyway.

Letting Go

Letting Go is hard to do.  Relationships, Possessions, Children, you name it.

I have started cleaning out my house.  On one hand it becomes addictive. Once you can throw some things out and donate others, it becomes easier to do some more. It becomes almost inspiring to do more.  Almost like a personal contest – how much can I allow myself to get rid of now?

On the other hand, it is emotional. Memories. Draining. Sad. How did the children get so old already? Decision Making.

I had gotten through yesterday of throwing some things away, putting some out on the curb hoping someone would drive by and find it useful before the garbage pick up (80% success rate so far), setting other items aside to take to Goodwill.  I was fine with it all. Then I drove to my ex’s house and saw the decorative chairs from my grandparents’ house on his front step.  We had placed them there when we moved in.  I left them when I moved out.  But geez, it just took the wind of my sails to see them.

It was all about having been through the day of letting go, and then being reminded again that I needed to let go of knowing that my grandparents’ wrought iron chairs were on my ex’s front steps.  Whoosh.  And I’ll go through it again the next time I visit him.

I have some of my grandmother’s books that she received as gifts, with inscriptions.  One was from 1927. I love having these items.  These, I won’t let go.  I was wondering who will I leave them to? Who will value them as I do? My daughter was urging me to clean out the house over the winter break and seemed cavalier to my sentimentality.  My son is off forging his way in his new world.  I still have time to decide.  Possibly a niece, nephew or daughter-in-law, or grandchild? (egads!, hard to imagine that now!).

The good thing about my Cleaning Out Plan is that I’ve realistically given myself plenty of time.  About a year and a half.

Also – here’s an interesting blog about cleaning out that I received recently.  I felt a spur of companionship reading it.  It’s much more practical than mine.  I needed that. A peer with a plan.

It started with a Barnes & Noble coupon

I noted a book I wanted to read in my Goodreads app.

I went to the bookstore with a 20% off coupon and looked for the book.

Since the coupon only applied to physical books, I needed to buy an actual book, not an electronic one.

The book I wanted by Liane Moriarty was not in stock, but there were other titles available.

I bought The Hypnotist’s Love Story instead of The Husband’s Secret.

41Nda6ZJQ-L._SL160_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-dp,TopRight,12,-18_SH30_OU01_AA160_The Hypnotist’s Love Story is about a woman hypnotherapist who falls in love with a widower, who is being stalked by an ex-girlfriend.  The character development of the male figures was a little flat, but the overall story was still able to keep my interest.  I discovered that I really related to the stalker!  I’m betting you’re surprised – that you would’ve thought I’d say the widower. The Book Club Reader’s Guide at the back of the book focused on the grieving, and on the widower. I really felt that the stalker was going through more grieving than the widower.

I don’t like when people write about or review books and they ruin the story for future readers, so I’m not going to go into much detail here.  However…

My last post was about closing the door, how things must come to an end. I realized today that a lot of my movement in this area came from reading this book, and empathizing with the ex-girlfriend.  While I was not put in a trance by the hypnotherapist, I did receive some food for thought from her therapy.

I originally started writing this post by saying I am not a believer that things happen for a reason.  If God does exist, I would think that he/she/it has more important things to take care of than my healing process.  But on the other hand,

….a 20% off coupon?

….the original book not in stock?

….my persistence in treating myself to a new book?

I am only kidding. I think these question marked thoughts are very trivial.  I still don’t believe things happen for a reason. I think everyone takes whatever meaning they can from what happens in life.  And if you can make something good out of it, all the better.

INTP vs. INTJ

INTP vs. INTJ

They say that your universe shifts when someone you love dies. Ever since my father died 15 years ago, I’ve had trouble discerning the time of year.  For example, March very closely resembles November. Luckily our society is so commercialized that one cannot be off track for very long. One glimpse at a newspaper or a TV commercial will keep even the most oblivious in step.

The universal shift I’ve experienced since DDSO passed away is that I’ve apparently transitioned from being a lifelong INTP Myers Brigg profile to a slight INTJ.  I first learned about Myers Briggs in a college Organizational Change class.  It’s based on the Carl Jungian personality type philosophy. There are four different categories and then their combinations.

The Myers Briggs model of personality was developed by Katherine Briggs and Isabel Briggs Myers in the mid-20th century. It is based on four preferences:

  • E or I (Extraversion or Introversion)
  • S or N (Sensing or iNtuition)
  • T or F (Thinking or Feeling)
  • J or P (Judgment or Perception)

Based on what I’ve read, the difference between being a J or a P is the final result of one’s efforts. People who are more P-based are interested in open ended conclusions while J-based types are looking for closure.

I have always been a P. I hate when things end. I dislike bowling because the better you get at it, the less you get to play.  If I pick up a new author to read, I check to see if she/he has written other books so that if I enjoy the writing there will be more.  I haven’t read the third Girl with the Tattoo book because when I do, I know it will be over (since the author has died and won’t be writing anymore).

No surprise that I haven’t finished the sweater for LD yet.

I have been very attached to Maroon 5’s song Payphone this year.  Every time I hear this sentence while it’s playing, I think of knitting the words into a pillow:

Even the sun sets in Paradise.

Oh, and what about –

If “Happy Ever After” did exist,
I would still be holding you like this
All those fairy tales are full of shit
One more fucking love song, I’ll be sick.

Speaking of fairy tales, did you ever wonder what happens when the characters lived happily ever after?

Well, eventually, one of them died.

After DDSO passed away, I was (painfully) out with another couple and they had the nerve to say to me, “We can’t imagine what you’re going through.” The rest of the afternoon, I muttered to myself, “Well, you had better start imagining because guess what? It IS going to happen to one of you.”

Okcupid is an online dating site where you can answer tens of thousands of questions with your perspective and then what is acceptable in other people’s answers. They then use this scoring to help match you for romance, friendship, and “enemy.”

There’s one question, “If you were to die, would whoever goes through your belongings be shocked by what they find?”  One man wrote an explanation to his answer: “If I WERE to die!?!?! I’m almost 100 percent certain that I AM going to die.”

So that represents my slight shift from INTP to INTJ. Things do end. Whether we like it or not.

Empty Nest

The children are back in college. Where they belong.

I enjoyed having them home but now that they’re in college, it had a different flavor.  From my perspective, it felt like “biding their time,” rather than a summer break.  Their activities were clearly in preparation for the upcoming school year.

LD worked 4 different jobs over the course of her break, shopped and enjoyed time with her high school and her college friends.  Her decision to perform multiple jobs was designed to keep her busy, for everyday spending, and saving for school expenses.  ES was home for a week and spent a lot of his time shopping for clothes for school.

They were in and out; I was in and out. We managed to do and enjoy some activities together. And now they’re back where they belong.

So yes, my house is an Empty Nest.  But in a good way. What a delight to watch my children expand their wings, and fly off to new adventures, building their lives.

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