Knit Wit Living

Reflections, Beading, Knitting, Life

Archive for the category “Loss and Life”

That New Computer?

That New Computer? GRRR…it has not been good to me this week.

I’ve had to refresh it which somehow erased all my added programs but saved my files.  For which I am aggravated, but also thankful.

And my network connection has been continuously lost but thankfully found at this point.

I think the worst part is that I don’t know why.

Or maybe it’s really that DDSO isn’t here to take care of it for me.

Today was a rough day.  Maroon 5’s Payphone summed it up for me:

If “Happy Ever After” did exist,
I would still be holding you like this
All those fairy tales are full of shit
One more fucking love song, I’ll be sick.

The computer is back up, without DDSO’s input.  I also need to move forward.


Journaling is comforting. It’s a nice way to reflect on what happened that day, and to keep memories of daily activities.

I have a 10 year daily journal, where each page has 10 years’ worth of entries. I have 2 1/2 more years to complete it.

The first year, at the top of the page, includes the experience of meeting DDSO and hitting it off right away. We met online, spoke for hours on the phone for a week, met for dinner. That was it.  We were so alike and knew how each other thought that there really was no courting period, save the first week on the phone.

Last year was really difficult, reading about the good times and the suffering years later.  All of it made me sad.

I did make a mistake in 2006 where I was just so happy with DDSO that I didn’t write that much down.  Now I look at the blank entry fields and just sigh knowing that, in this case, blank equals happy.  It’s also made me more strict with myself to write an entry no matter what.

In January 2012, I also started an electronic journal. I use the (free) 280 Daily site where you get 280 characters to record your day.  Some days it’s a little challenging to keep it to the limit, other days it’s way too many characters to fill!  You can also save pictures with entries, and the ability to mark an entry as a “Day of Note.”

280 Daily Statistics

In the first year after DDSO passed away, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to continue the 10 Year Journal.  After awhile, I decided to finish it. I wanted to show the story of me becoming happy again.  Right now I’m at the point of becoming “not sad,” and am looking forward to the “being happy.”  I am happier these days, rather than sad, but I’m still comparing how I’m feeling. I need to get to the place where I just am happy, without thinking about it.  But I’m not pressuring myself. I know I’ll get there.

I wonder why both journals?

Surprisingly, they each have their own flavor and don’t necessarily have the same recollection for the same day. I almost faithfully write my 280 daily entry each evening, whereas I enter the handwritten one the next morning.  Both are somewhat reflective, but I often have a different perspective on the day after a night of sleep.  Additionally, the handwritten one provides more room and I can concentrate or expand on one specific topic if I wish.

Overall, I want to finish the 10 year collection, but also like the more succinct entries that need to fit a certain size.

No decision. Or rather, the decision to continue with both.  For now anyway.

The Purchase

I became old yesterday. Or maybe I just noticed it.

LD and I went to the mall together and looked at laptops as mine had finally died after giving me over six years of loyal service. The manufacturer would no longer sell me an extended warranty and I had no choice but to purchase a new computer.

I have to admit I am lost in the computer department.  It’s not that I’m incapable of learning. It’s that I am just not that interested in learning about computers, nor in the talk of how many RAMs or processors, etc.  DDSO was very much interested in all those details. For my last purchase, I allowed him to do the research and make recommendations. He enjoyed it, I had no interest in the fine details, letting him take over was a gift to both of us!

This time around though, no help from DDSO.  And the landscape has changed since my last purchase.  Laptop? Ultrabook? Tablet? No idea. (Well, yes an idea that I did not want a tablet – too small and maybe not enough disk space.)

We went to Best Buy and Chris helped us. After answering his questions so he could understand my needs, he took us over to the display and made some recommendations.  After listening to him, I asked the important question.  Would you recommend this to your mother?

He said yes.

Do you love your mother?

He said yes.

And he explained that his mother has everything in this brand because it’s what he recommends. Then he took me over to the latest model of the same brand and told me, “and this is what I’m going to get now that it’s available.”  He added, “this time I said I’m going to get it, not my mother.”

Even better.

So I got the same one.

“Is that what you would recommend to your mother?” Oh my! When did these people get so young?

“Have a Great Weekend!”

I still am a little angry with DDSO for getting colon cancer and leaving me. I know it’s not his fault he got sick although if he had had a colonoscopy at the age of 50, it might have been detected sooner. But then I tell myself that this might have meant that he would have started chemotherapy earlier and he would have died before we could spend that  little bit of extra time together.

And I truly believe that the chemotherapy helped kill him. I don’t understand how dumping poison into one’s body is supposed to make you healthier.

The poison is kind of like Round Up (made by Monsanto) which is only supposed to target weeds and keep the genetically modified seeds/plants alive.

Chemotherapy medicine is supposed to target the cancer cells and not touch the other ones?

In the meantime, there are horrific side effects.  The patient ends up taking a slew of other medications to combat all the chemotherapy side effects.  And then there are side effects to the medicines combating the chemotherapy side effects. It is a miserable existence.

I have a friend who was diagnosed with breast cancer, in one breast. She chose to have a double mastectomy, and had one dose of chemotherapy.  The treatment devastated her. She told me that she lay down on a chaise in her backyard after the treatment.  Her neighbor called the police because she appeared to be dead.  My friend decided not to have any more treatments, changed her eating habits to all natural and many vitamins, and take her chances.  In today’s world, run by pharmaceutical brainwashing, that was a brave decision.

She is still here and DDSO is not.

Yes, I am aware there are many different variables around the two cases.  It’s all about choices. Ones that we all hope we never have to make.

Weekends are the worst for me. DDSO and I spent Tuesday evenings and weekends together. We had plans to live together.  Then he got sick; his doctors were closer to his home, my children were still home, and then he died, so we never got to that Paradise. long as we're together...

…as long as we’re together…

DDSO used to say “It doesn’t matter what we do as long as we’re together.”

We were somewhat exclusive when we were together. We enjoyed each other’s company so much that we were fine not making social plans.  We did get together with friends every now and again, but it wasn’t necessary.

That makes weekends difficult.  Still.

I am going to pick myself up and go do the same, or the same type of, weekend activities that DDSO and I did together. Now I get to go to Trader Joe’s, do work around the house, garden, make gazpacho, etc. on my own, or with friends.   Even though the activities are the same, the experience is not. Life is different.

Disclaimer: This post is merely reflecting my personal experiences and observations. I am aware that chemotherapy has helped many people overcome cancer.  I do not intend to disparage anyone’s decision to partake in chemotherapy.  It’s all about choices.

Long Island Medium

My DDSO hated reality TV shows. After he passed away, I started watching Long Island Medium. I could feel his spirit next to me admonishing me for watching a reality TV show about spirits.  “You don’t need a medium or a reality TV show to know that I am with you!” he’d tell me. It was just like him. I’d laugh and cry at the same time.

Teresa Caputo, the Long Island Medium, would probably never be my friend. She would probably drive me crazy with her carrying on over her regular life.  But she moves me every time she does a reading and brings meaning to the person who is grieving.  She has helped me figure out what life is supposed to be like now.  The latest lesson I learned was when one of the spirits told a loved one to “Embrace Life.”

DDSO always wanted me to be happy.  He would sacrifice his wishes to make sure I was happy.  What a lovely man.  Since he was on chemo and then he passed away, I have been struggling with how to be happy.  Is it “moving on?”  “Letting go?”  I think “Embrace Life” is perfect.

Post Navigation